Entry 33/365

From the Latin rendere, from Vulgar Latin *rendere, a variant of Latin reddere "give back, return, restore," from red- "back" (see re-) + combining form of dare "to give" (from PIE root *do- "to give").

Cease resistance. 

Being a parent involves a daily act of surrender. Let go of the control of being the adult in the room with all the answers, with children rationality yields little fruit. They are moved by raw feelings that make no sense to them and many times to us. 

We surrender our time, our body, and the leftover mental health that remains after a long day. Some days, things go well and we manage it, others we go to bed wondering if we were too harsh, impatient, or both. I am acutely aware of these moments because my mother was extremely patient when we had meltdowns. At least that is what I thought until I realized that in fact, she wasn't dealing with the situation by being patient, she was avoiding the situation and dealing with us all together. 

Sometimes to me surrendering to my inability to be patient, calm and kind is the type of honesty I aim to teach to my children, and also quite frankly is what I can offer.

I do not abuse the power I have, and I absolutely do not allow for excesses because I know their consequences but I share what I am feeling. Frustration, exasperation, annoyance. 

Usually, the feedback is not well-received but I cannot impart a parenthood that is not based on reality. I think a good 10 years of my therapy was devoted to "seeing my parents as they were/are" perhaps because they wanted to be Superhumans or perhaps I idealized them too much. Or both things.

To surrender is to say yes to your humanness. To succumb to a love that doesn't want to hurt and cause pain but it is real. It's to find ways to say what cannot be said.  It is a commitment one makes to being true to oneself.

The world doesn't want us to know about surrender. The world doesn't understand it. It cannot make sense of it. To surrender is not giving up or throwing in the towel, to surrender comes from a deep, deep sense of understanding. Of who one is, of what one can do. 

Oh yes, the world will tell you "we should push ourselves", and "never give up" but before "never" there are many "not today" days. To surrender takes the power away from the external and put us back in the driver's seat. The power of saying no. 

"No, I do not want it."

"No, I do not like it." 

No, I run out of patience. 

No, that is enough. 

"No."

We repeat to ourselves I cannot surrender to failure, as if to fail was something to be ashamed of. It is failure that paves the road to growth. So, for tonight, I will surrender to failing. I was a less-than-perfect mom, but tomorrow I will try again. I will try better. 

And who knows I will do better? Thank you, Samuel Beckett. Yours, still remain my favorite quote.

Giselle C. 

To surrender is power.