Entry 32/365

Money. 

from Latin pecuniarius "pertaining to money," from pecunia "money, property, wealth," from pecu "cattle, flock," from PIE root *peku- "wealth, movable property, livestock"

I did not receive any financial education. Growing up money was something I didn't have and I was very aware of that. There is no doubt from my side, that my life would have been happier if my parents were a little less nervous and a lot more responsible with money.  

My father had no clue what to do with money. My mother is from the countryside and she was taught that saving was the way to go but I think over the years she got worn out with the constant financial ups and downs. Talking about money and remembering them talking about money is very painful. 

Physically even, it's painful and uncomfortable. It makes me think of all the things they didn't know and - in my adult head  - should have known so they could have prepared me for life better. 

My parents were/my Mum still is too human. Too mortal. They were unprepared for life too, just as I was, a lot more than I was.

No surprise that I created my first proper budget at the age of 26 and my relationship with money was always laissez faire et laissez passer affair. Let it be and let it pass...if you cannot buy get a credit card, or a loan, or both. This mentality rendered me 15 years of paying off debt. It's over now, but that is what consumerism and lack of financial understanding plus a childish relationship with money do to you, or it did to me. 

For the past year, I have been more aware of my money patterns, and when I decided to look at what is behind these patterns I could understand what money helped me to fulfill, and the role of money in my life. 

These are not groundbreaking conclusions but knowing rationally that one shouldn't buy something is not the same as feeling that one shouldn't buy something. It takes a whole lot of responsibility to feel it, it takes understanding it. 

You may not believe me but for me, consumerism only exists because we are - most of us that is - children with money, playing Monopoly with our financial life. Who takes Monopoly money seriously? The digital world didn't help much in that aspect either. 

Money gave to the little girl who never had the nicest things, traveled to Disney, or could not afford Nike trainers everything. Ten or fifteen years later but still, I could pay, I had it. I wouldn't tell myself NO again. I HAD SOMETHING TO PROVE!

These days, I consider myself a financially recovered addict.  But this doesn't mean I don't still struggle with little temptations and it doesn't mean I say no to all of them. The good thing is that my temptations are a lot less expensive than they were, and I have nowhere to fund them without the "credits" that used to come out of my ears.

That is okay for now, and perhaps that is the okay I need. 

Giselle