From Latin retrospectum, past participle of retrospicere "look back," from retro "back" (see retro-) + specere "look at" (from PIE root *spek- "to observe").

My memory is becoming short. I forget things too easily. More often than not I cannot remember what I did or ate yesterday and for a person who loves to remember, who finds comfort in the nostalgia of time passing this is something unsettling.

This January, however, was very different from the many Januaries that came and went in my life. I have experienced some real changes in the way I think and act. The impact of one little book in my life - The Body Keeps the Score - which I read in the last days of 2022,  had a seismic effect on my being and my modus operandi. 

One book got to the next, and the next, and in January I delved deep into the Philosophy of the Stoics, Seneca, Epictetus, and Marcus Aurelius. I cannot remember anything having such an impact as an idea 2300 years old had on my life. I have tried everything, therapy no doubt was the most effective, but with the Stoics, I found a recipe for calm, and acceptance. A map to mindfulness that doesn't require an app or a subscription.  

It is a beautiful thing to feel the hand of God in your journey. Every step takes you a bit further, to another landmark and another, as if I was crossing the world without a compass and with very little sense of direction, mostly in the dark and alone. The twists and turns. God doesn’t do the walking, or the talking but he does/did send signals.

This month I also found  Benjamin Franklin’s diaries which helped in my quest to structure things. I found a way to simplify my life, I have cleared the house all the stuff, I cleaned the deposit, I organized my papers, I have finally started dealing with the last item of my endless procrastination - my financial life -, and for a short period of time - which lasted about 10 minutes together with the fact that it was her birthday, I felt an unconditional love for my mum. 

This month at the gym saw me again, after almost two years, I ran, lost weight, and I focused on myself and on what is important. My quest to be a better person rendered me many ticks in the boxes of Life. 

My son turned seven, which made me a 7-year-old Mum. And I have also spent the last 14 years married to a kind and truly beautiful human being, everything has gone so fast. It never ceases to amaze me.  

That is the one thing though that I have finally noticed I count too much on and give very little of myself: my relationship, my husband. And I have decided to do something about this.
 
I reached some serious milestones: I had a breakthrough after 20 years of therapy. I shared information with others with the intention of helping,  I received an unexpected invitation from a Mum who I admire and who really wanted to become a closer friend, and this wanting didn't take me off course, it didn't prompt me to show a "better version" of myself, I met her dressed "just as I am". 

I, for the first time in seven years, celebrated my son's birthday without an attack of anxiety.  

I felt disappointed and chose not to have this feeling disturbing my inner peace, I acted in a less selfish way and I have been doing what I promised to do for several years: I followed my plans, adapted them, adjusted them, and by doing this I kept focus. I kept doing what I needed to do. 

 “One more time.

"Again, tomorrow.”

I have felt the quotes I read for years. "We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit.” - Aristoles; "An unexamined life is not worth living." - Socrates or "Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.” - Viktor Frankl.

I am responsible for my life. I am the protagonist of my play, and I am also the director and the screenwriter. I do the illumination and figurine, and I am the one who chooses the best bits, the movie will be seen by others but I am the one living it. 

Next month, I want to give more to others. I want more of the same, I want this feeling of getting somewhere to stay. I want to keep the peace locked in, quietly and calmly doing its thing inside of me. 

Hope you had a good January too. 

Giselle