Entry 30/365

Maintenance.

From Latin manu tenere "hold in the hand," from manu, ablative of manus "hand" (from PIE root *man- (2) "hand") + tenere "to hold" (from PIE root *ten- "to stretch").

I have reached a breakthrough in my therapy. After 20 years I have come to that place of understanding, total acceptance, and peace. Understanding that I am the sole responsible for my mental health, Acceptance that I don't have all the answers and no one does, and that I am not better than anyone and no one is better than me. Acceptance of who I am is what I have to offer to people. Nothing else. 

Peace, with my past. Peace with what my past has given to me, peace with the way my past shaped and transformed me. 

Most of all I carry in my heart an enormous and deep sense of gratitude. 

The Universe has helped me along the way, only now I can look back and connect the dots. Things take time because we only see things when we are ready to feel them. Being ready to hear, see and listen took me two decades but I feel I got here. 

Now is maintenance. I have no idea what will be and happen, I have not been here before this way. I understood that it was not the big moves that changed everything in my life, but the smallest ones in my everyday life that did and it was those small things that I need to work on to preserve. 

I don't know what the seasons will bring, and the seasons don't worry me anymore. All I have is this very moment, the movement of my fingers typing these words... the rest I leave to the Universe to control as I cannot. 

It's good to feel I am at home with me. 

Giselle