Entry 19/365

Medieval Latin contrarotulus "a counter, register," from Latin contra "against" (see contra) + rotulus, diminutive of rota "wheel" (see roll (n.)). The word apparently comes from a medieval method of checking accounts by a duplicate register.

Not even the root of the word expresses its true meaning. 

Its antithesis is to Let Go. A skill we learn over years of suffering, falling into the same traps set by ourselves and others.  Control. It's like nectar, ambrosia for the gods. The most desirable of all desirable things. Control. Over others, over life, over our time, over ourselves.

Being a Mum taught me a few lessons on control: the control I have to have,  I have to teach, and the one I have to accept that is beyond me.

Being a partner taught me that true love is control free. 

Being a daughter taught me that I have no control over the past but I have over my future.  

Being a friend taught me trying to control how others perceive oneself is an exhausting effort.  

When I was growing up I always felt I had no control over anything in my life, as an adult, trying to control things became one of my favorite sports. I craved structure and safety. For the routine, for every day being the same, for lack of surprises. For a life with fewer ups and downs. I tried at times to control what I could - my time - down the hour. Where, when, who, how? Two months in advance. 

Nowadays after the years wore some of my pride out, with acceptance more than maturity, the only control I wish to have is to control how I react to things, in the end, it boils down to this. 

Giselle