Entry 20/365

To observe. 

Latin observare "watch over, note, heed, look to, attend to, guard, regard, comply with," from ob "in front of, before" (see ob-) + servare "to watch, keep safe. 

Looking back to my childhood years as the adult I became, I can see how much of what was happening to me went unnoticed. I never really understood and processed this feeling until many many years later when I became a Mum. 

The process of resignification took me years but my unconscious shouted this lack of observation, of being noticed, on many occasions but never so much as the very day I gave birth to my son. The first thing I said to him was this:

- "I am your Mamae, and I am here for you. Mamae is here. Mamae is here." 

I am sure many other mums said the same words for different reasons but looking back to my history, I know exactly what those words meant. I wasn't telling and reassuring my son only - which I do to this very day - but I was soothing a little girl. The little girl I was. 

It sounds so selfish to think of that, and perhaps if anyone ever reads this maybe, may think I am selfish too. But I think of what I said and I feel relieved. I would never notice the slightest changes in my children of behavior or mood, I wouldn't notice that when I run in the evening my children miss me and take ages to sleep, and I wouldn't see how what I say to my children affects them in ways I never thought it could. 

None of this would be possible, if I wasn't that little girl, shouting at the window asking the gods to bring my Mum back to whatever it was she founded to not be there.  

I know her reasons and although I can't say all is forgiven, I, no longer feel resentment. Or perhaps just a little. Instead, I feel gratitude because thanks to her I won't take Motherhood for granted, and come what may, I will be there. I am, for them. Always, first and foremost.

Even if it doesn't suit me. Or I would like some time for myself. 

My priority is set, I chose to be present.