Entry 42/365

The Day Before

It will be my birthday tomorrow. And that is going to be the quietest and smallest I have ever had. I feel at total peace. I don't have wishes, I am not anxious, excited, or nervous about turning 43 years of age. 

When people say life starts at 40. They are totally right. 

At this age, I can look back and be less judgmental of all the wrong turns and returning mistakes I made. Looking forward, I choose what to do without the weight of having to choose "the best thing", "the right thing", or "the thing that will make X, Y, Z happy".

It's freedom and the beginning. For me, a lot of things are starting. My interests deepened and became more connected to what I wanted to do, to be.

My relationships grew up. I dressed as myself, I don't want to nor have the energy to pretend. To fit in. It's great to be with myself and with other people. My aim is for a great conversation, not to build a lifelong friendship in 3 months. Everything is less and simpler. 

I look at my past, and what before was a source of resentment and pain is continually becoming the source upon which I build the person I am. A source of lessons, understanding, and forgiveness. I look at my mother with more humane eyes. To my Dad for what he was, a man without a father who tried his best despite everything he did not have. Both of my parents are orphans of role models and despite the mistakes, they gave me at least the ability to look for my answers, as somehow they knew, they themselves did not have it in themselves to give me. 

My marriage changed. Evolved. Romantic love gave up room to a love of every day. A love that needs patience, and nurturing, a love that needs to wait, a love that prioritizes the demands of parenting. A love that prefers holidays in the out shirks of Warsaw to the posh beaches of France.  

A drive is a date. A flower is a kiss. Hugging after a week of back-to-back work and kids is an intense love experience. And for all that I adore him more than I ever did. 

Motherhood made me a better person. A better human being. I see it as the biggest blessing I ever had. I am so grateful for being a mum of three children, M, L, and B. Louisa is in Heaven but she is my daughter too. 

My children, what can I say? They are everything to me. Such a cliché but that is what they are. 

I look at the future with a heart filled with love. As I said I have no wishes, I have far beyond all the dreams I dreamed of and more. 

Giselle Cz.