Entry 22/365

Manipulate. 

From the Latin manipulus "handful, sheaf, bundle," from manus "hand" (from PIE root *man- (2) "hand") + root of plere "to fill" (from PIE root *pele- (1) "to fill"). Sense of "skillful handling of objects" is dated from the 1800s. 

Have you ever been played? I find it hard to think of any other feeling that makes me feel both outraged and enormously sad at the same time. A huge part of my overall mental health is indebted to understanding the ins and outs of manipulation and what it does to us. Rather what it did to me. 

My Mother was a master of manipulation. Of the many things I don't like about her, that is the worst one. How many times, she played and made me feel like a fool. When she skillfully dropped and line and I fell for it when I didn't want to say or share and she cried and I did it. Manipulation is an expression of a lack of control. Someone that is in a helpless situation may find in manipulation a way to survive, it took me 20 years to understand this about my mother and although I process this rationally it's nearly impossible still to process it emotionally. 

I wanted to know if children could manipulate. The research shows that in order to manipulate the pre-frontal part of the brain must be fully developed, so children from 0-8 cannot manipulate if your child is not going to bed - like mine tonight! - this is not because they are master manipulators wanting to gain control of the World - although sometimes it does feel like they are doing it on purpose - the reason lies in their fear of separation. 

So if they don't want to go to bed and keep finding something like "I need to go for a wee-wee", "a glass of water", or poo, monsters, or anything else - it is related to the attachment the child has for her carer basically they worry about the few hours they will be far from us. I spent a lot of time with my children, if there is a problem with our attachment I hope it is for the excess, and not lack. 

It is, however, incredibly frustrating and it demands a monk's meditation skill to breathe in and out while we are there on the field. In the end, I (thought) I had won, I held his hand and reassured him I would be there in the morning, when I was leaving the room, believing my job was done, he turns to me and says "so I would really love to sleep in your bed."

With my patience hung by a tread, I replied: "You will sleep in your bed. Bedtime is long gone, and you need to rest. And that's the end of the story", and I finally, really finally left.

I am not sure which approach is the right one, I am too tired to decide, perhaps it will take him 20 years to understand the ins and outs of his Mum's heart, a heart full of conviction that bedtime is 8pm and not whatever time he chooses. A conviction that takes 2 hours to come out in full force. 

I say Amen to that and Good Night to you. 

Giselle