Entry 59/365

Time to die. 

My mother decided to stop living. 

She made this decision a long time ago, so long ago she herself forgot when, how, or why. 

I know the whys, her whys. Unhealed trauma, open wounds of a childhood of shame and hiding. It's hard to bear the pain, I can understand that but nothing is unhealable. It is a decision to open a curtain, to decide to eat a piece of biscuit and remove oneself from the abysm. It is not a big massive decision or one moment alone. It's a compilation of microscopic decisions, to sometimes say yes, and other times say no that eventually amount to something. 

She hasn't made any decisions, she has always chosen to numb the pain. Pills and religion, her magic mushrooms. 

I have not chosen this path, and perhaps it is thanks to her. To her inability to face the fire. The fire she taught me to face too early in my years and maturity.  

Lately, I have been having these visions of her being gone. When the Faiths come and take her, she will be waiting. She has been waiting for them for over 30 years now. I wonder what the sisters will see or say. 

I saw myself not saying goodbye but reading something to her, at the cemetery. I didn't feel sadness or saudade but I wanted to tell her that she didn't live up to her teachings, and she caused pain. The truth is that she is long gone. A moving body now, without spirit. Waiting to die, wanting to die. 

The mother of my dreams lives inside of me. The one I wanted to have.  The one that had time to see me, and hear me, and be there present in body and spirit. The one I imagine she would one day become, the one I searched for in other friends, the one I waited and waited but she never came and she will never come because she never existed. 

The one I received from God, which according to her, I chose, is a mortal woman. Weak, broken, and human.  It is by letting go of that mother of my dreams that I may find peace with the one I have. Or what is left of her?

For I have no hate or anger no more. 

It's a feeling of serenity that is taking the place of the other feelings, growing out and from a Spring of Acceptance. 

"Sometimes when you lose, you win."

- from the movie What Dreams May Come. 

Giselle C.