Entry 37/365

Defeat. To lose the battle. 

From Vulgar Latin *diffacere "undo, destroy," from Latin dis- "un-, not" (see dis-) + facere "to do, perform," from PIE root *dhe- "to set, put."

I wonder sometimes what Marcus Aurelius felt while watching Commodus becoming the mad, spoiled man that would eventually bring ruin to himself and to Rome. The embodiment of Stoicism failed as a father. 

I sometimes also wonder if I will fail as a Mum. When will I see the signs? Did Marcus Aurelius notice the signs? I mean, I am not the embodiment of anything other than myself. If he, Marcus A. failed with all he was/had, I mean I can't stand a chance. I am invested in this role though, I am not off to wars and pushing my son to be the Emperor of Rome at the age of 15 but I can't make my children listen to me for more than 30 seconds. I bet Marcus did not have this problem.  

Motherhood was a conscious choice, I became a mother in my 30s  and I loved it and love it from the moment I knew I was pregnant to today. The way I see it is that it is a blessing from God.

Still, despite all that, I wonder if I will fail. Or if I am failing. If what they will remember is my bad days, and feeling helpless followed by raising my voice to be heard amidst the giggling and play, and loud bangs from toys flying around me. 

It bothers me so much that I raise my voice. Okay, shout. There I said it. I have to shout out loud sometimes to be heard, because "No please" doesn't work, or "please let's quiet things down a bit" is not noticed or taken seriously. 

Or because I have to repeat about 20 times - let's say 50 times - until finally something is done. I give it all to them but I still sometimes cannot make them listen to me. It is so very frustrating. I was raised in a house where shouting was the only way of communication, my father had zero emotional intelligence and the moment he got frustrated shouts would fly out around the house. 

It's not that bad with me but the moment I feel I am not being heard or respected, I raise my voice. It upsets me beyond belief but I do it, again and again. 

There are no battles between me and my children, but I stand again defeated by my own inability to control myself. 

"Be tolerant with others and strict with yourself. Marcus Aurelius.

Like he knew what he was talking about. 

Still M.A. I hear you. I will goddam do better tomorrow. 

Giselle C.