Entry 27/365
To take responsibility.
From the Latin, it stems from respondere "respond, answer to, promise in return," from re- "back" (see re-) + spondere "to pledge" (see sponsor (n.)).
We don't have a verb for responsibility. It always comes accompanied by an action verb which like the word itself demands ownership. Seriously, think about it. One cannot be responsible without the "be", the verb demands a personal, internal command to exist.
It took at least 20 years to understand that I am the sole responsible for my actions, my mental health, and my happiness. Me, myself, only me. No one else is. Not my Mum, my husband, not even my children despite of all the work I put in to raise them. They owe me nothing back, not a penny, or love, or a smile. Nor a thank you.
Saying this out loud is liberating. I think that among the many milestones in my journey through mental health, taking responsibility for the way a act and react to things and people is without a doubt one of the most significant ones. From there to here, years went by with the constant blaming and shaming of others, like a circle I was engulfed in constantly spinning around.
Being responsible it's like being constantly naked in the wind but the wind never makes you feel cold. I still feel upset about things, of course, but for much less time than I used to. My husband thinks I have to "help" him to control his temper. I do not feel responsible for it. He says I am selfish for telling him that, but I say it through experience and conviction.
"You have power over your mind. Not outside events. Realize this and you will find strength. " Meditations by Marcus Aurelius
I do not say bad words in front of my children. I heard some when I was growing up and I decided that I would not pass this on, and I don't. No matter if I fall and break my leg, or I am angry like a wolf. I am the master of my words, and my command is not to say hurtful words, vulgar words. It takes absolutely no effort for me to accomplish this.
To answer the call of responsibility is to promise yourself an outcome that is deeply rooted in your convictions. It took me years to understand this. There are moments that I struggle with this, moments when the desire to please others overpowers my sense of responsibility to myself but even when I let these moments take place, they won't go unnoticed because they will cause an adverse effect: irritation, anger, disappointment, displeasure.
The call of duty, the call of ownership, and the call of love are all rooted in being, feeling, and taking responsibility, and I believe that is why the word responsibility needs help to exist. It needs "be", "feel" or "take" to be concrete.
Giselle
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